As 2017 draws to an end, it is time to reflect on the year just gone. It has been twelve months of great highs and lows.
I started the year on the other side of the world, waking up in Australia with the warmth of the sun easing my joints into activity. Returning to the UK, I went for a transformative final surgery on my knee. With only a 50% chance of an improved knee bend, this operation ended up exceeding both mine and my surgeon’s wildest expectations. I have climbed tors, swam in rivers, paddle boarded and taken my first few wobbly bike rides.
On the other hand, my youngest child has been on his knees with mental health problems triggered by the trauma of the accident and I have realised that my PTSD did not just switch itself off after treatment but still lingers, permeating anxiety throughout everything that I do.
I know that I am now more introspective, fearful and full of self doubt, I know that I am now constantly close to an emotional precipice; quick to tears and easily wounded. I also know that I have retreated from people, unsure whether I am the pity invite or genuinely liked. I am scared of being dull and awkward. I need to figure out how to stop this anxiety from holding me back.
Highlights of the year for me have been; stroking wild stingrays in Australia, wild swimming in France and the hug that my eldest son gave his little brother to wish him luck before his nativity performance. I am thankful for the really interesting connections that I have made with strangers online, especially the incredibly supportive Instagram community which have really helped with my feelings of isolation.
What do I want to achieve in 2018? I want to try yoga and kayaking. I want to take the puppy up a mountain but I’ll settle for a large hill. I want to walk 1000 miles.
I want my sons to be happy.
Happy new year.